Throw-up anybody? I got 146 bottles in the garage

What is it about our culture that makes us so intrigued by multi-level marketing companies? Take one drive down I-15 and you will be bombarded with billboards advertising the next big pre-pre-launch and if you get in now, you will be number 112 in the company, but if you wait until tomorrow you will only be eligible for the pre-launch and so you will be distributor number 111,843. Nevertheless, don’t be worried because at the actual launch three years from now, you will still have 8,443,608,119 people in your down line who tell two friends, and they tell two friends, and so on, and so on.

Billboards? Is that not exactly counter to what the whole MLM approach is anyway? I thought the whole justification was that rather than spending millions of dollars a year on advertising, like those evil corporations do, you spread that out among thousands of distributors. Could somebody please enlighten me on this?

As somebody who has tried it twice and failed, I am definitely not the person to talk to if you are thinking about taking the plunge, but for what it is worth, I found out what it takes to create one of these models that ensures success. Step 1) make a magic juice…the more it tastes like throw-up the more likely you are to convince people it is good for them. Step 2) invite your friends over for dinner and start drawing triangles on a white board. Step 3) repeat as necessary.

I have come to the conclusion that there are two types of products in the world, (I really don’t believe this, I know that some MLM products are legit and really do help people, I just think it’s funny to blast them) good products and not so good products. Luckily, there is a pretty sure-fire way to tell these two types of products apart. Good products are sold at Costco, and bad products are sold on “autoship”.

WARNING! Bad products are also sold on TV. I know for a fact if you do not already own the Sham Wow you want one so bad. Every time you see that commercial, you want to pony up the dough and get one. Take it from someone who had to learn this the hard way: save yourself some time and money and pass. Or better yet, if you are still not convinced, go cut a piece off of an old felt blanket and try to sop something up with it…it’s pretty much the same thing. I know what you are thinking: “don’t they sell the Sham Wow at Costco?”…yes they do, but in Costco’s defense it is not their fault, Vince is just that good. Every time I see that dang commercial I seriously think to myself “oh, my gosh, maybe it does actually work” and then I pull them out again and sure enough…they still suck!

Interjection about Parenthood

Oh my heck, Heather and I just got to level 17 on Text Twist….BOOO YEEEAH!!!! This is essentially our life now. Having a child really changes your idea of having fun. Believe it or not, we used to be cool…we would do stuff…cool stuff too, like people would be jealous of how fun and cool we were. Now we stay up late (late, like 10:30) playing Text Twist. I think we can say we have truly arrived at parenthood.

I have been mulling over the idea for a couple of weeks now of a post blasting the insane amount of multi level marketing companies and security companies in Utah. But the amount of fun I just had over the last 30 minutes caused me to reevaluate this Sunday evening’s post. Don’t worry it’s coming…just not today.

As a parent of one I pretty much consider myself an expert on the subject…seriously ask me anything! Really, this post should probably be written by my sister Jen or my sister-in-law Erica, but they are probably busy making lunches or Halloween costumes… I mean these ladies are real parents; like I can’t wait to see what Erica does for Owen’s Eagle Project. So take it for what it’s worth, this is my input on the little sacrifices we make as parents.

Last night, Heather and I went on our first date without our seven month old daughter. (For those of you wondering how to still have a relationship with your significant other after kids, we just stumbled upon a gem. Put the kid down early and have a younger sibling come over and watch a movie with their girlfriend while you go out.) Since it had been so long, we decided to get creative and splurge a little…we treated ourselves to a Butterfinger shake and a regular order of Yukon Gold French Fries at Arctic Circle and came home after 45 minutes (p.s. we used coupons…total?...$3.21). I still marvel at how much has changed just over the last seven months.

Have I really aged that much? I used to get excited about going to the baseball playoffs, seeing Jack Johnson in concert, and going on ski trips…now I get excited over watching my daughter roll over, getting a high score in text twist, and General Conference.

Maybe spending 3 quarters of my monthly salary on baby food and accessories has caused me to rearrange some of my priorities a little, but I think I could search the world for an eternity and never find a thrill or see some beautiful vista that could compare to the feeling I get when I get my daughter out of her crib in the morning or hear her laugh. Although we don’t get huge earthly rewards for the sacrifices we make as parents, if every once in while I get to change a diaper without poop in it, that is reward enough for me.

Back to Basics

After a couple of weeks of ranting and writing about things that might only interest a small segment of the county population, I have decided to try and stay on theme this week and give a little plug to one of my favorite locals in the valley. Technically it's not in the valley at all actually but we can make it work
Living in Utah we have the privilege of living at the base of one of the most beautiful mountain ranges in the United States…Maybe even the world. Perhaps some of us tend to take this for granted from time to time. I like to think I have tried to make the most of my experience along the Wasatch Front. One location that I believe everyone who ends up leaving the beautiful expanses of Happy Valley really misses is Provo Canyon. Honestly this place provides an array of recreational activities that no individual no matter how young or old could not find something to keep them entertained. These are a few of my favorite things: Rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens….JK Rowling, I couldn’t help myself
Fishing. If you don’t like to fish you can just get the heck out of here, this is America. Not only is Provo River one of the premier fly fishing destinations in the United States (well, for me maybe), but the vistas are incredible. Plus, if you go often you might actually be lucky enough to expose yourself to a local celebrity.
Bombing the Canyon. For all you old people who are not hip to new vernacular, this is not a terrorist threat. This is what we call long boarding down the Provo Canyon Trail (sorry again old people, a long board is a long skateboard…seriously get with the times). This can provide hours of enjoyment but if you decide to go, do me a favor and don’t be that guy who thinks it is hard core to break the rules and annoy everybody else on the trail.
Rafting the River. Although this has most recently turned into an activity for white trash people to waste time between NASCAR races and the summer rodeo line-up it actually is so much fun. A buddy of mine chartered tours a couple of summers ago for his in-laws who own High Country Rafting and it is worth every penny. You can also bring your own tube but if you get one from Wal-Mart make sure you start way down stream because you are not going to make it 15 feet on that piece of crap…no offense.
Outdoor Movies. I thought I would throw this in as we do live in the cheesy date capital of the world. (by the way, did you know that in other parts of the U.S. people ask people on dates by calling them…weird huh?). I actually did this once and I almost felt like I had to wear camouflage because the thought of running into somebody I knew seeing me do something so "BYU" gave me the gee willikers. I did have a good time though, but don’t take my word for it.

Hiking, Timpanogos Story Telling Festival, Water Skiing at Deer Creek, Skiing and outdoor theatre at Sundance, rope swing at Murdock Diversion Dam, and hucking pumpkins off cliffs were all honorable mentions…accept outdoor theatre at Sundance actually, I redact that, get some decent actors and maybe.

I would like to thank Julie Andrews and LeVar Burton for helping me with this post

This is Just Really Sad

It is totally unfortunate that I have to do this and I apologize in advance to all of my true fans who have to put up with this. I am going to take a week off what my normal theme and address a concern. Do you remember that movie "The Bodyguard" with Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner and there was that really creepy stalker who the cops arrested for sending crazy hate mail to Whitney Houston’s character? Well, apparently I have one of those crazy stalkers.

I read online that stalkers typically target people they idolize or who they are jealous of for some reason and they might be people from your past. My stalker apparently went to my high school but I will have to dig up an old yearbook because I can’t quite picture his/her face. I’m told his/her name is Morgan Jensen or something like that. I’m not even sure if he/she is a man or a woman. I have not visited the site myself ,but it’s rumored he/she created an entire webpage about how much he/she wishes he/she could generate the same web traffic that I do.

Not that I have given much thought to it, but if he/she is a he I picture him looking like this guy

If he/she is a she, I kinda picture her looking like this At any rate Morgan Jensen, if you are out there, I want to say that I am sorry for whatever it is that I have done to offend you. I want to be able to walk out of my house in the morning without having to put on a disguise for fear that I am being followed. If you need help coming up with material for your blog I am happy to help. Please don’t blame me for your uncommentable posts and your lack of social capital.